Log in


Feb. 2nd, 2012 | 03:31 am
mood: still null

i returned from ohio january 31. my brother's funeral went as well as could be expected. Eric Moore played "Burning Bridges", and he played it in a way that was quite touching. there were about 10 or 15 people there. most of the people who would have attended died already in the 1990s, but all our remaining family showed up except my niece who lives far away. a dear childhood friend that i have not seen in about thirty years was there, and we had a nice long talk. several people stood and said something nice about Aaron. i had some platitudes prepared but when it was my turn i blanked and just said something nice.

mom was there, and i was by her side. this is a woman who has dedicated her life to the care of others, but was unable to save her son. she performed cpr on him, but he was already showing signs of cyanosis and his tongue was hanging out.

i am her only living child now. she asks that i outlive her. i made this promise, to placate her in a time of grief. to be honest though, i am not so sure this is how it will work out. i have had hiv since august 19, 1991 and aids since the early 90s, and my numbers have been traditionally poor. my neck has masses in it and my legs hurt a lot. also there is cancer on my feet and my medical history is "complex".

if anything happens to me, i do not want a "do not resuscitate" (DNR) order. i want every treatment, and every procedure, no matter how futile. i have never signed any living wills, or durable medical powers of attorney in the past, and if i did, im 100% sure i was incompetent at the time.

i am planning a move from my ex, because he wants a "roommate and employee", even if that roomie pays rent. so if youre into slavery, here is your chance. my plan is to move in with two people i have never met in person. and you know, i dont really care. there was a time when my "common sense" would say "hell naw" and this would not happen, but i have a new attitude. life is too fuckin short to use common sense. "nothing ventured, nothing gained", right?

if you have living family, take the time to call them up and say hi. aaron called me the day he died, and i am glad he did it because i had no plan to call him that day. hold your loved ones dear. they can be gone in an instant.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

January, 2012

Jan. 8th, 2012 | 08:22 pm
location: 95816
mood: null

on January 3, 2012, my grandmother died at age 95, after a brief stay in the hospital. on January 6, 2012, my brother died at age 42 from complications from AIDS.

here's the thing tho, ever since my sister died in 2008, mom and i have been concerned that Aaron, my brother, would be the last one standing. about ten years ago, he had meningitis, which left him with a brain injury. had mom and i preceded him in death, he would have been vulnerable to predators, as had happened previously.

now it is just mom and me. i have promised to outlive her, because i do not want her to live through the loss of all three of her children.

i am traveling back to Ohio on January 17 for two weeks to visit with my mom, and to attend services for Aaron. Grandma's committal occurred very shortly after she died, although an additional service for her is planned near Mother's Day, so i will also be in Ohio

Eric Moore from The Godz, an Ohio band, will play "Burning Bridges", one of their early hits. This is one of Aaron's favorites, apparently, and i think it is very kind of him to play at my brother's service.

Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share

mom time

Nov. 6th, 2010 | 09:59 pm
location: mom's house
mood: lovedloved
music: none. mom hates my music

i am visiting my mom in ohio for a month plus. i return to sacramento on 3 december. in the meantime, i get to see my grandma who is 94 (think grammy oblong), my mom of course, my brother and my sister's cat.

my sister's cat, Henrietta Meow Meow, is a beautiful ten-year-old female. she is not a lap cat by any stretch of the imagination although she does like attention from mom. she likes to stretch out across her crossword puzzles.
yesterday, she was innoculated, and was very angry. lets have a look, shall we?

yesterday was a busy day. not only did the cat get her shots, mom and i went to a rock show at promowest pavilion. i dont care for rock music, but was invited by the singer for one of the bands, The Godz. here is one of the pix i took:

anyways that was my day yesterday. today, all 2 hours remaining, is for opiates. oh wait, that was yesterday too.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

ohio medicaid

Sep. 8th, 2009 | 12:19 am

ohio medicaid sucks. going back to cali on the 22nd, and will get treatment. i should have had this done by now. i suck.

Link | Leave a comment | Share


Jun. 2nd, 2009 | 11:39 am

my sister Brigitte died 21 oct 2008. if i were a betting man, i would never have bet that she would be the first to go.
today i posted a comment to her myspace profile, it was a little ditty she taught me:

See, see my playmate,
Come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three
Climb up my apple tree
Slide down my rainbow
Into my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends
Forever more.

... and when i posted it i saw her status: Brigitte is at home.
and i reckon she is.

but i wish she was here.
[edited 6 April 2011: i had one of the lyrics wrong]

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Writer's Block: Pet Peeve

May. 18th, 2009 | 09:51 pm

What is the most annoying sound in the entire world?

'wake up'

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Writer's Block: Going Greener

May. 18th, 2009 | 09:46 pm

How could you better “green” your life? What’s holding you back?

go vegetarian. i did it for about 3.5 years and my doctor flipped. but, i was a bad vegetarian... a non-meatatarian i guess. in any case, my doctor said people with aids should not be vegetarians.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Writer's Block: Historian's Choice

May. 18th, 2009 | 09:42 pm

If you could live in any era of history, which one would you choose?


Link | Leave a comment | Share

Writer's Block: Word for Word

May. 18th, 2009 | 09:40 pm

How many (if any) songs do you know by heart? What are they?

everything by wham.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Writer's Block: All About My Mother

May. 18th, 2009 | 09:39 pm

Who is your favorite mother (the character, not the actress) from television or the movies?

arnold, from torch song trilogy

Link | Leave a comment | Share